I Cheated, I Succeeded, and I Felt Like a Fraud

Do you think people cheat for fun, or they really don’t have a choice?

Anyone who’s an adult probably knows the feeling, someone broke the implicit agreement, took the shortcut, stole the credit. Every time it broke our heart.

But are we really the victims?

The first time I realized not everyone is honest was in primary school.

I was 10, one of my Chinese teacher’s favorites, classmates knew it.

During an exam I finished early, looked around out of boredom. That’s when I had that embarrassing eye contact with the little cheater next to me. He was trying so hard to copy everything, leaning, stretching. The moment I saw my own name on his paper I lost all respect. He looked stupid and miserable, just struggling.

Maybe habit. Maybe survival, he’d get punished by parents for bad grades again.

Then there are the smart ones who can’t afford to lose status.

I was one.

Middle school, I cheated a few times on English exams. No idea if teacher ever knew. Excuse: wanted to make her proud of me, proud of herself. Good student = good teacher.

That was my excuse.

Reality: it was fun to some degree.

My best friend was great at math, hated English. Math teacher’s delegate, had the key to the office drawers. We shared every meal, besties at school.

One day we finished eating early. She had to fetch exam papers and distribute them. Asked if I wanted to come, help, or just walk. I said yes happily. Felt exclusive. Stepping into teacher’s office made me feel important.

Saw my English teacher’s desk, our papers. Mine unmarked. Couldn’t resist, looked at graded ones, saw others’ wrong answers, realized I had the same mistakes but now knew the right ones.

Changed my answers. Just like that. Only my friend knew.

Got extra points. Teacher happy. Bestie gave evil smile.

Only I knew it wasn’t real. Next time same mistakes, I still couldn’t explain why B was correct.

But I won her affection. She made me delegate later. Loved the status.

Hated when classmates asked me to explain answers I didn’t truly get.

Status on outside, imposter inside. Nobody doubted me. Only the whisper in my head.

Last time: university Chinese exam. Teacher said bring textbooks, cheat openly, no talking. With all effort I still failed. Didn’t know where answers were. Just her trick to make us read the book.

Cheating gives a burden that tortures you more than any honest failure.

We really don’t need to be jealous of these guys.